THE TUTEE

So, I have this side line. I'm tutoring algebra to a grade six korean student. His name is Peter, about his Korean name, I dunno. Anyway. He's cute, well, all korean kids are (i mean, majority of them). And he's naughty sometimes. I enjoy teaching him.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I wander why we have headsets here in our library when we can't open youtube, imeem or other music sites.

I'm feeling apprehensive in c++ laboratory. I don't know if my will and faith are strong enough to keep holding on to the faith.

I want a cellphone. And also, I think I need it.

I want to go to the sea. Anywhere as long as I'll be able to see the ocean, swim in it, and walk in its shores. I'm so excited. I hope that our Infanta trip this December will be carried out. It was postponed three times. And I'm just so disappointed about it. It had been a year already since the last time I've been there. And you know, I always want to come there again and again. I miss the sea, really. Pardon me.

I feel so alone right now, and bored. I know there's a lot of work to do, projects, reports, etc. But, I'm just not in the mood to be studious right now.

I don't have any driving force right now to strive harder in school. I feel that going to school, is like, a routine. A boring routine. Everyday is the same day. I don't feel anything different. Different in a way, that I'll be enthusiastic to go here everyday. Like, feeling excited because I know I will learn something new. Something that I crave for to learn. Something that I really want. Okay, I'm not saying that I hate my course. That dammit, of all the courses, why this? Its not like that. And, I don't want it to be that way. I love my course, and I want to learn everything from my heart.

BOREDOM

I'm here in school. Wasting my little free time. Well, this day was so cool and busy. Cool because we don't have most of our classes, and we spent time littering around. Laughing, joking, and getting pissed. It was busy though, my head aches. Everyone downstairs are busy. Of course they are because today's .. i mean this week's another mapuan event, and this day marks the end of it. So, next week, it'll all be on normal mode again. As usual.

:(

I'm so feeling. And I really hate it. Everything was just a folly. So far from reality. This "love" feeling that bothers me for days is only a joke. And I'm sorry to myself that I'd become so emotional, and it's just so stupid of me, and so embarrassing. I'm so sorry to myself. No one's hurting me though. It's just me who's letting myself get killed because of what I think is real.

I am so sad. I just wanna cry.

November 30, 2009

Monday, and it's a holiday.

For another time in my life, I feel that I'm alive. My heart beats, the kind of beat I am familiar with. The one I longed for, still I feared the most. I don't know if I'm yet again falling in love. But my heart tells me I am. It's good to know that somehow, for a long time, I felt once again that my heart pumps blood. . I am alive. For months, which I considered to be years, I feel dull, lifeless and invisible. Like an aging flower. Noticed once, and soon forgotten.

For a long time, I thought of myself as a plain girl. Moving and breathing but unnoticed. I hated that fact. That I'm the type who is usually ignored. I felt insecure. I felt alone. Not until he noticed me. I felt happiness. It rushed through my veins like adrenaline.. pumping my every blood till it reach my heart. I can feel his senses reach through mine like a bow. Now, I'm afraid to be experiencing this feeling again --- falling in love. It was gone, now it has come back. Still the same, slowly burning my heart.

I had overcome this before, so I'm sure I can do it again this time. When I close my eyes, I can't resist the pain coming. It blows in through my heart, hurting every edges till I become numb. He's always on my mind. I can't explain it.

Though I've longed for this. . I'm sure that I would hate this. It will be like saying that its better that i haven't known about you. The warnings, they keep coming on like monsters. I am haunted. I can't just ignore them. Rules are rules. I can't change them unless I want to die.

November 14, 2009

Saturday. (7:20 AM)

I just woke up and i had a dream. I dreamt of someone I knew and I had loved before, he's J. In my dream, he's going to marry a pretty girl. It seemed real, but I knew it wasn't because I'm awake. Still, I felt something. I was hurt. I don't know why. I know that I'm not supposed to, but in my dream I feel uneasy, ashamed and jealous.

My dream went out like this. I was with my family and I was like in an entourage? or something like that. It's not clear, but I knew that I'm in a church. There were people. Some were dressed, some were not (dressed properly). And I was like walking inside with my grandfather. When I was done accompanying him, I went out. I'm not sure what happened first, but there's this scene where J is there, and some "well-off" people. They're all waiting for someone. . .And then it came. A car arrived. Then a pretty girl went down. She's curly, fair skinned and she wears a short dress. Her hair's dyed, and she's holding a dog. J hugged her enthusiastically. They look hungry, thirsty, for each other. I was looking at them, and suddenly I felt? What the hell was that. Around them were people, and they're all happy. Clapping and smiling.

I felt nauseated. I was like making something to distract myself of the weird feeling. Then I saw a tarp, announcing a wedding -- their wedding. Then, I was talking to myself something like . . my parents, they took j from me. . blahx2. . .

Then I opened my eyes. It was a dream, a sign.

This suddenly came into my mind while reminiscing the dream:

"I want you so bad, but the whole world do not. When I try to love you, the whole world will be so mad at me that they can kill me. I want to take care of you, kiss and hug you, walk with you, laugh with you . . and seat in silence with you. But I can't and should not, or I'll be dead."

I'm not sure if this feeling is true. But, there's a proof that I felt it, and I thought of it. However, I still doubt it. Feelings are deceptive. And base on experience, I should not trust them 100%.

Why do I still feel this attachment for that guy. There is still something that connects me to him, and it's weird. Anyway. It's just a dream, or maybe a sign? Something that tells me J's over you, he'd moved on. and he got a pretty girl, he's happy so leave him alone. (well, i'm not pursuing him anyway)