November 30, 2009

Monday, and it's a holiday.

For another time in my life, I feel that I'm alive. My heart beats, the kind of beat I am familiar with. The one I longed for, still I feared the most. I don't know if I'm yet again falling in love. But my heart tells me I am. It's good to know that somehow, for a long time, I felt once again that my heart pumps blood. . I am alive. For months, which I considered to be years, I feel dull, lifeless and invisible. Like an aging flower. Noticed once, and soon forgotten.

For a long time, I thought of myself as a plain girl. Moving and breathing but unnoticed. I hated that fact. That I'm the type who is usually ignored. I felt insecure. I felt alone. Not until he noticed me. I felt happiness. It rushed through my veins like adrenaline.. pumping my every blood till it reach my heart. I can feel his senses reach through mine like a bow. Now, I'm afraid to be experiencing this feeling again --- falling in love. It was gone, now it has come back. Still the same, slowly burning my heart.

I had overcome this before, so I'm sure I can do it again this time. When I close my eyes, I can't resist the pain coming. It blows in through my heart, hurting every edges till I become numb. He's always on my mind. I can't explain it.

Though I've longed for this. . I'm sure that I would hate this. It will be like saying that its better that i haven't known about you. The warnings, they keep coming on like monsters. I am haunted. I can't just ignore them. Rules are rules. I can't change them unless I want to die.

November 14, 2009

Saturday. (7:20 AM)

I just woke up and i had a dream. I dreamt of someone I knew and I had loved before, he's J. In my dream, he's going to marry a pretty girl. It seemed real, but I knew it wasn't because I'm awake. Still, I felt something. I was hurt. I don't know why. I know that I'm not supposed to, but in my dream I feel uneasy, ashamed and jealous.

My dream went out like this. I was with my family and I was like in an entourage? or something like that. It's not clear, but I knew that I'm in a church. There were people. Some were dressed, some were not (dressed properly). And I was like walking inside with my grandfather. When I was done accompanying him, I went out. I'm not sure what happened first, but there's this scene where J is there, and some "well-off" people. They're all waiting for someone. . .And then it came. A car arrived. Then a pretty girl went down. She's curly, fair skinned and she wears a short dress. Her hair's dyed, and she's holding a dog. J hugged her enthusiastically. They look hungry, thirsty, for each other. I was looking at them, and suddenly I felt? What the hell was that. Around them were people, and they're all happy. Clapping and smiling.

I felt nauseated. I was like making something to distract myself of the weird feeling. Then I saw a tarp, announcing a wedding -- their wedding. Then, I was talking to myself something like . . my parents, they took j from me. . blahx2. . .

Then I opened my eyes. It was a dream, a sign.

This suddenly came into my mind while reminiscing the dream:

"I want you so bad, but the whole world do not. When I try to love you, the whole world will be so mad at me that they can kill me. I want to take care of you, kiss and hug you, walk with you, laugh with you . . and seat in silence with you. But I can't and should not, or I'll be dead."

I'm not sure if this feeling is true. But, there's a proof that I felt it, and I thought of it. However, I still doubt it. Feelings are deceptive. And base on experience, I should not trust them 100%.

Why do I still feel this attachment for that guy. There is still something that connects me to him, and it's weird. Anyway. It's just a dream, or maybe a sign? Something that tells me J's over you, he'd moved on. and he got a pretty girl, he's happy so leave him alone. (well, i'm not pursuing him anyway)